My First Ever Writing Course

It only took a half century for me to take a bona fide writing course. I am now officially taking English 268; Writing Creative Nonfiction, and at a university no less. The point being that I have never even had enough nerve (or I've been too arrogant; take your pick) to take an adult education or lifelong learning course or some such. The last time I had any kind of writing instruction I suppose was when I was in high school.

The strange thing is how I finally ended up here. When I decided to go back to school, I never considered majoring in creative writing. (OSU doesn't have an undergrad major like that anyway, only a MFA program.) It really boiled down to which major was I closest to earning, based on the hodge-podge of courses I had already taken over the years. My choices ended up being English, which didn't surprise me, and history, which did. But what really surprised me is that I chose history, and why I chose it: English (which would have been primarily studying literature) really really did not appeal to me at all.

So I began taking history courses, beginning with what they call a gateway course, an introduction to historical research, for which I had to receive at least a C before I could declare a history major. No problem, I thought. I could not have been more wrong. The teacher made us write a precis of every chapter of Marc Bloch's The Historian's Craft, one of the most difficult books I have ever read, much less written summaries of. And then there was the fact that I did not have the slightest idea how to write a precis, not to mention the fact that the style of a precis is about as antithetical to my natural style as night is to day. I was shocked when I got my first precis back with a big fat D on it: the first one I have ever received on a writing assignment in my life. My only hope for redemption was that the teacher let us write them over. It wasn't until my third precis that I finally "saw the light"--and it was literally a revelatory experience: until then I just couldn't grasp what I was doing wrong, let alone how to fix it. (Here I feel I must confess that without my husband's help, I don't think I would have ever figured it out, or not in time to redeem myself.) After that I redid all the substandard precis and ended up with an A for the course.

Similar things happened in my other history courses. I was surprised but also pleased to discover that how one writes is considered as important as what one writes about in the field of history, even though the standards and styles were all new (and somewhat more serious and dry) to me compared to the kind of writing I had been doing before. But I think the discipline was good for me: I learned a lot about structure, thorough research, and succinctness. I also began to see my worst habits, the way I meander and indulge myself, fail to come to the point, and leave parts of the story by the wayside, all unacceptable practices for the writer of history or the presenter of research. (Although I'm sure I'm doing it now!)

Then, last quarter, I signed up for a senior symposium on "Hollywood and History" which meant to examine the problems that films have in presenting historical accuracy. The end product of the course was to be a 25-page paper in which we would first review a book titled Past Imperfect: History According to the Movies, edited by Mark C. Carnes, then write a short piece about the difference between historical accuracy and historical authenticity, followed by in-depth analyses of two historically-based films of our own choosing, and concluding with a summary of how well the films we chose met the standards of accuracy/authenticity.

Well, I got off to a rocky start. I wasn't doing well mentally for some reason and bungled my first two rough drafts. The teacher didn't record our grades--they were just meant to be guidelines--but mine weren't good. Then I got really sick, physically sick, and not only couldn't go to class, but couldn't finish my second drafts on time. I worked really hard on them and when I finally did get them turned it, I thought they were practically in finished condition. I was wrong. The teacher had lots of criticisms, and still graded me badly. By this time I was so frustrated between still being sick and trying to figure out what the hell he wanted, I wrote him an email and pleaded with him for something to keep me going. He finally deigned to tell me that "my writing was better than most," I was "by far the most enthusiastic student in class," I had a lot of important things to say, and to not give up. Then he asked me if I had ever considered taking any creative writing courses.

Not really. Well, actually, yes. Of course. All I've ever wanted to be is a writer. But subject myself to that kind of scrutiny? Wait, what was I saying? What had I been doing for the past year in my history classes? So how could it be any worse to subject myself to it in yet another class which just happened to be an English class? At least I wouldn't also be expected to be learning about certain periods of history at the same time and would be freer to write about topics that might be closer to my heart. (Or whatever.)

So I mustered up my courage and registered for this Creative Nonfiction course and I've been to three classes now and done one of my assignments and so far it feels like a perfectly natural fit. If I had tried to do it a year and a half ago, or any time before now, I don't think I could have handled it. But everything I did up to now prepared me for this moment. And now, the ironic thing is, I'm beginning to think that I'll hold off getting my bachelor's so that I can take more creative writing courses and then graduate with a major in history and a concentration in creative writing but then apply for entrance to the MFA program in Creative Writing (maybe). Or maybe I will have made enough contacts and received enough advice to help me find my own direction as a writer. Either way, I think this would be a lot smarter for me than to graduate with just a major in history.

Giving Credit Where It's Due

I was searching Google this morning for credit card offers for first-timers (credit-card virgins??) for my husband and thought I'd check out poor-credit offers, too. They were all pitiful, but what was even worse were the reviews. If you ever find yourself weakening in your resolve to not get another credit card, or you want to scare off your kids from the same temptation, have them read some of these reviews (these were at www. cardoffers.com). My husband and I were talking this morning about how uncomfortable we were with the student loan debt we're acquiring, but when I think of what our life would be like if we were in any kind of typical consumer debt...! I just got a call the day before yesterday (on a Sunday, as a matter of fact) from a company that just purchased a debt of mine from Providian, which I haven't heard a word about for at least two, almost three years--and I even called and tried to find out about it!). The guy was nice and is "letting" me make a $50 hardship payment for three months, subject to a 90 day review (which means that it will probably end up like my Toyota debt: an interminable $50/mo payment, because after all, what choice do they have when I only make $1456. a month?). But the point is, without the student loans, we couldn't make it at all, unless and until we have other income. And since I certainly can't go to school and work, too, and I can barely handle going to school, I don't see that I have any other choice. Because if I feel somewhat trapped going to school, what would I feel like having to work? And from what I've been able to determine about myself, I begin to deteriorate whenever I feel trapped.

Second Thoughts

"Hollywood and History." That's the name of one of my classes this quarter. I've been really getting into it, but unfortunately I got way behind and I'm now in finals week with 75% of a 25-page paper to write. I may have to take an "incomplete" but I really don't want to have to do that. I'd be working on it right now, but I still have my "medieval tale" to finish and then my 8-page take-home final for German 19th century history. Remind me again: WHY am I doing this??

What's In A Name?

I used to like my name in a modest way. My first name, that is; god, I've changed my last name so many times even I lose track of who I am now. But my first name: I liked it because it was simple, dignified, gender-appropriate without being prissy, and didn't lend itself to being turned into a nickname. And the best part was: I was the only one I knew--when I was growing up anyway--who had my name. The thought of being one of a hundred other Susies or Debbies or Kathys made me sick to my stomach. After all, I didn't have much going for me as a kid, so at least I had one thing that was unique about me.

Now you have to understand--if you haven't already guessed--I come from a pretty WASPy background. Which means that there are just not a lot of names to go around, especially for girls. Unless you start digging 'way back and come up with something like Grindell or Medusa. Probably so many girls are being given boys' names these days because there are only so many good female names that don't sound insipid. It's hard to take a woman seriously when her name is Bambi or Gigi. Even Lisa or Michelle are suspect. You notice that the woman who plays Buffy goes by Sarah Michelle Gellar, right? Not just Sarah and definitely not Michelle. (And the joke about the name "Buffy" is that a girl with a name like that goes against type by being a vampire-slayer.)

I have a theory that you can predict how serious a career an actress is going to have by the name she uses (not necessarily the one she was born with). Or what kind of career she's going to have, period. (Norma Jean Baker would never have had the career she had if she hadn't become Marilyn Monroe, you know what I mean? Of course, that means the career wasn't Norma Jean's).

Think about it though: Meryl Streep, Ellen Burstyn, Reese Witherspoon, Halle Berry, Catherine Zeta-Jones (that Zeta makes all the difference in the world), Annette Benning, Gwyneth Paltrow, as well as her mother, Blythe Danner, well, you get the idea. There are probably a few reasons why Demi Moore's career hasn't stayed a steady course, but I can't help but think that her name has been at the bottom of at least one of them, either because of how she sees herself, or how others see her. (And I notice that she and Bruce named at least two of their three daughters totally gender-neutral names: Rumer and Scout. How they came up with Talullah, I'll never know.)

You might ask me, "What about Goldie Hawn?" And I would answer, "I rest my case." Bette Midler instead of Betty, Sigourney Weaver, and even Meg Ryan did the right thing to go with Meg and not Margaret, Peggy or Maggie. (No offense, Ms. Smith; you've obviously risen above both your names!) But I'm going to make a prediction here: Goldie's daughter is not going to be Ms. Hepburn's professional namesake (especially because she goes by Kate instead of the regal 'Katherine'). Cate Blanchett bypassed the problem by spelling it like the cat (with an 'e').

Panic

This week was hell. One thing that puts it into perspective for me is that five students died in a fire in off-campus housing over the weekend. It was even the one kid's birthday. And to make it worse (as if) -- it was arson. I can't even fathom how their families are doing. If that happened to one of my kids...Dear God in heaven, be with them, stick to them like glue.

But besides that I've been in a panic state from getting two D's in a row in my History class and I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. He's letting us re-write these but if I don't know what I'm doing wrong, what's the point? I had an appointment with Dr. Schneir and between him and Guenther I think I got some perspective back about being in school. I'm supposed to be doing this because I love to learn, but I got all caught up in proving that I can DO this! I've been a quitter all my life---well, maybe not a quitter exactly, but it sure has been hard to get a fire lit under myself. So I really want to see this through. And I want to enjoy it. But what is my long-term goal? And do I even WANT to have one?

I lied: It is the German that is driving me crazy. (Not a person: the language.) I left class almost in tears today. I studied so hard and I'm more confused than ever. I had to make a decision: do I want to go through this for the next two and a half months? It doesn't even matter who's at fault, the teacher or me or the combination of the two of us. Maybe I'm too old to pick things up quickly. Maybe she's too inexperienced. But one thing that's different about me now from thirty years ago: I did something about it. Tomorrow I'm changing from her class to Individualized Instruction. That wasn't my first choice but maybe that's what I've been led to. After all, I'm not a typical student for a lot of reasons, the least of which is my age: I never took German in school (but the French is the first to pop up when I need a German word), I've had a lot of exposure to Germany and things and persons German (including my husband and my in-laws), and I've been trying to teach myself German, with varying degrees of success, for over six years now.

Academia

Trying to do homework and feeling overwhelmed. Strangely enough it hasn't been the German that has been causing me the most anxiety; it has been the papers (short essays and precis) I have to write for my history course. I don't seem to know how to write "academically". Or at least that's what I fear. I haven't seen my grade on my first essay yet and I haven't had the appointment with my history professor from last quarter to discuss why my grade wasn't as high as I had anticipated.

I've been writing all along, and been published here and there, too. But maybe I missed the lessons about how to satisfy one's professors so that they think that YOU are thinking the way THEY think. Ya think?

Back To/In School

After thirty years, I'm back in school. In a way I feel as if I'm just picking up where I left off. It's a shock when I remember that the last time I walked this campus it was 1971. What are the differences? The similarities? Where do I start??

All Over the Web

I signed on to blog months ago---possibly even a year or more ago. Yet this is my very first blog. I have evidence of similar lack of commitment all over the Web. I wonder sometimes if I will run into myself somewhere and forget that I had ever been there. Actually, that HAS happened. But I've also ''disappeared''. Does one really disappear on the Net? Or just remain there somewhere lost in some broadband width, detritus from an abandoned web site?