What's In A Name?

I used to like my name in a modest way. My first name, that is; god, I've changed my last name so many times even I lose track of who I am now. But my first name: I liked it because it was simple, dignified, gender-appropriate without being prissy, and didn't lend itself to being turned into a nickname. And the best part was: I was the only one I knew--when I was growing up anyway--who had my name. The thought of being one of a hundred other Susies or Debbies or Kathys made me sick to my stomach. After all, I didn't have much going for me as a kid, so at least I had one thing that was unique about me.

Now you have to understand--if you haven't already guessed--I come from a pretty WASPy background. Which means that there are just not a lot of names to go around, especially for girls. Unless you start digging 'way back and come up with something like Grindell or Medusa. Probably so many girls are being given boys' names these days because there are only so many good female names that don't sound insipid. It's hard to take a woman seriously when her name is Bambi or Gigi. Even Lisa or Michelle are suspect. You notice that the woman who plays Buffy goes by Sarah Michelle Gellar, right? Not just Sarah and definitely not Michelle. (And the joke about the name "Buffy" is that a girl with a name like that goes against type by being a vampire-slayer.)

I have a theory that you can predict how serious a career an actress is going to have by the name she uses (not necessarily the one she was born with). Or what kind of career she's going to have, period. (Norma Jean Baker would never have had the career she had if she hadn't become Marilyn Monroe, you know what I mean? Of course, that means the career wasn't Norma Jean's).

Think about it though: Meryl Streep, Ellen Burstyn, Reese Witherspoon, Halle Berry, Catherine Zeta-Jones (that Zeta makes all the difference in the world), Annette Benning, Gwyneth Paltrow, as well as her mother, Blythe Danner, well, you get the idea. There are probably a few reasons why Demi Moore's career hasn't stayed a steady course, but I can't help but think that her name has been at the bottom of at least one of them, either because of how she sees herself, or how others see her. (And I notice that she and Bruce named at least two of their three daughters totally gender-neutral names: Rumer and Scout. How they came up with Talullah, I'll never know.)

You might ask me, "What about Goldie Hawn?" And I would answer, "I rest my case." Bette Midler instead of Betty, Sigourney Weaver, and even Meg Ryan did the right thing to go with Meg and not Margaret, Peggy or Maggie. (No offense, Ms. Smith; you've obviously risen above both your names!) But I'm going to make a prediction here: Goldie's daughter is not going to be Ms. Hepburn's professional namesake (especially because she goes by Kate instead of the regal 'Katherine'). Cate Blanchett bypassed the problem by spelling it like the cat (with an 'e').

Panic

This week was hell. One thing that puts it into perspective for me is that five students died in a fire in off-campus housing over the weekend. It was even the one kid's birthday. And to make it worse (as if) -- it was arson. I can't even fathom how their families are doing. If that happened to one of my kids...Dear God in heaven, be with them, stick to them like glue.

But besides that I've been in a panic state from getting two D's in a row in my History class and I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. He's letting us re-write these but if I don't know what I'm doing wrong, what's the point? I had an appointment with Dr. Schneir and between him and Guenther I think I got some perspective back about being in school. I'm supposed to be doing this because I love to learn, but I got all caught up in proving that I can DO this! I've been a quitter all my life---well, maybe not a quitter exactly, but it sure has been hard to get a fire lit under myself. So I really want to see this through. And I want to enjoy it. But what is my long-term goal? And do I even WANT to have one?

I lied: It is the German that is driving me crazy. (Not a person: the language.) I left class almost in tears today. I studied so hard and I'm more confused than ever. I had to make a decision: do I want to go through this for the next two and a half months? It doesn't even matter who's at fault, the teacher or me or the combination of the two of us. Maybe I'm too old to pick things up quickly. Maybe she's too inexperienced. But one thing that's different about me now from thirty years ago: I did something about it. Tomorrow I'm changing from her class to Individualized Instruction. That wasn't my first choice but maybe that's what I've been led to. After all, I'm not a typical student for a lot of reasons, the least of which is my age: I never took German in school (but the French is the first to pop up when I need a German word), I've had a lot of exposure to Germany and things and persons German (including my husband and my in-laws), and I've been trying to teach myself German, with varying degrees of success, for over six years now.

Academia

Trying to do homework and feeling overwhelmed. Strangely enough it hasn't been the German that has been causing me the most anxiety; it has been the papers (short essays and precis) I have to write for my history course. I don't seem to know how to write "academically". Or at least that's what I fear. I haven't seen my grade on my first essay yet and I haven't had the appointment with my history professor from last quarter to discuss why my grade wasn't as high as I had anticipated.

I've been writing all along, and been published here and there, too. But maybe I missed the lessons about how to satisfy one's professors so that they think that YOU are thinking the way THEY think. Ya think?

Back To/In School

After thirty years, I'm back in school. In a way I feel as if I'm just picking up where I left off. It's a shock when I remember that the last time I walked this campus it was 1971. What are the differences? The similarities? Where do I start??

All Over the Web

I signed on to blog months ago---possibly even a year or more ago. Yet this is my very first blog. I have evidence of similar lack of commitment all over the Web. I wonder sometimes if I will run into myself somewhere and forget that I had ever been there. Actually, that HAS happened. But I've also ''disappeared''. Does one really disappear on the Net? Or just remain there somewhere lost in some broadband width, detritus from an abandoned web site?